Week 5 Recap
Time for some POWER RANKINGS! One could just look at the standings but fuck that. Let me create an arbitrary order based on my personal preference. Way more fun.
1. OCHOCINCO REBORN!!!!!! – You always gotta have confidence in yourself above all others, right? Especially when I’m making moves like a boss GM. I trade for Chris Carson on Oct 2nd, drop him on the 4th, re-add him on the 7th, and get 13pts out of him on Sunday. I’m out here killing the game and y ’all just trying to keep pace.
2. Rolls Royce Freeman – Despite being 3-2, I’m moving Bowlsby to #2 because he DROPPED NEARLY 150 POINTS! How is that even possible? Bowlsby also wins this week’s PERFECTLY SEASONED award for being salty over the fact that I have nearly 100pts less than he does and he’s behind me in the standings.
3. House Hilton – I’m still not convinced that Matthew is even in this league. I don’t think anyone has actually seen him since August 24th and I bet it’s just Allison running his fantasy team. Are you there Matthew? Are you ok? Someone go out to Matthew’s house in Forest Grove and check on him. You might be in first place but no #1 rankings for disappeared league members.
4. SuckMyHawk – It’s a very impressive week when a team gets a total of 13.2 pts from RB2/TE/FLEX/K/DEF and still manages 90+ pts. I am still rooting for Kyle. It’s actually conceivable that he sneaks into the playoffs and wins the whole damn thing because #ToddGurley.
5. I Touchdown There – Nick and Josh Norman are now officially starting a “Michael Thomas is a Clown” hate-club after Monday night. I sat there in my kitchen, aggressively refreshing my Yahoo app, just waiting for Thomas to get me 70 yards. Who is this Taysom Hill fucker? Why does he keep scoring touchdowns!? Throw it to Thomas! Finally, FINALLY, Thomas did it and I could enjoy my chicken tikka masala.
6. Hold Ma Dick – Out of nowhere, Brian gets himself 110 points. 7th in the league but 6th in my heart. I can’t see Tom Brady putting up 31 pts every week but enjoy your moment in the sun big guy. There will be few and far between the rest of the season I’m afraid.
7. Flip Flopkins – Why the low ranking for a team 1 game out of first place? Because Kelly needs to learn… if you all of a sudden think your team is bad because you lost a game, I’m going to rank you as a bad team. #7 for you! You’re nearly an Alex!
8. The Injury Report aka The 2018-2019 Seahawks aka Wow How R U This Bad – If Alex had played Bowlsby this week and Bowlsby only started his RBs and QB, Alex would have won 85.90 to 85.75. It is therefore mandated that everyone can only start 3 players when they go against Alex. For competition sake. Also, you left enough points on your bench to win. Why didn’t you play McCoy?!? Also also, Doug Baldwin got 1 receiving yard. What? HAHAHA. I could go on and on about this team and how you drafted a QB with your third pick or you picked a Defense in the 9th round… but this seems like piling on now. I hope you eventually win. I’d hate for you to go 0-13 and have to sit under a table all of next season.
Fun week guys. On to Week 6... and the magical battle for last place that is Alex v. Brian. Expect next week's recap to be mostly about that matchup!
1. OCHOCINCO REBORN!!!!!! – You always gotta have confidence in yourself above all others, right? Especially when I’m making moves like a boss GM. I trade for Chris Carson on Oct 2nd, drop him on the 4th, re-add him on the 7th, and get 13pts out of him on Sunday. I’m out here killing the game and y ’all just trying to keep pace.
2. Rolls Royce Freeman – Despite being 3-2, I’m moving Bowlsby to #2 because he DROPPED NEARLY 150 POINTS! How is that even possible? Bowlsby also wins this week’s PERFECTLY SEASONED award for being salty over the fact that I have nearly 100pts less than he does and he’s behind me in the standings.
3. House Hilton – I’m still not convinced that Matthew is even in this league. I don’t think anyone has actually seen him since August 24th and I bet it’s just Allison running his fantasy team. Are you there Matthew? Are you ok? Someone go out to Matthew’s house in Forest Grove and check on him. You might be in first place but no #1 rankings for disappeared league members.
4. SuckMyHawk – It’s a very impressive week when a team gets a total of 13.2 pts from RB2/TE/FLEX/K/DEF and still manages 90+ pts. I am still rooting for Kyle. It’s actually conceivable that he sneaks into the playoffs and wins the whole damn thing because #ToddGurley.
5. I Touchdown There – Nick and Josh Norman are now officially starting a “Michael Thomas is a Clown” hate-club after Monday night. I sat there in my kitchen, aggressively refreshing my Yahoo app, just waiting for Thomas to get me 70 yards. Who is this Taysom Hill fucker? Why does he keep scoring touchdowns!? Throw it to Thomas! Finally, FINALLY, Thomas did it and I could enjoy my chicken tikka masala.
6. Hold Ma Dick – Out of nowhere, Brian gets himself 110 points. 7th in the league but 6th in my heart. I can’t see Tom Brady putting up 31 pts every week but enjoy your moment in the sun big guy. There will be few and far between the rest of the season I’m afraid.
7. Flip Flopkins – Why the low ranking for a team 1 game out of first place? Because Kelly needs to learn… if you all of a sudden think your team is bad because you lost a game, I’m going to rank you as a bad team. #7 for you! You’re nearly an Alex!
8. The Injury Report aka The 2018-2019 Seahawks aka Wow How R U This Bad – If Alex had played Bowlsby this week and Bowlsby only started his RBs and QB, Alex would have won 85.90 to 85.75. It is therefore mandated that everyone can only start 3 players when they go against Alex. For competition sake. Also, you left enough points on your bench to win. Why didn’t you play McCoy?!? Also also, Doug Baldwin got 1 receiving yard. What? HAHAHA. I could go on and on about this team and how you drafted a QB with your third pick or you picked a Defense in the 9th round… but this seems like piling on now. I hope you eventually win. I’d hate for you to go 0-13 and have to sit under a table all of next season.
Fun week guys. On to Week 6... and the magical battle for last place that is Alex v. Brian. Expect next week's recap to be mostly about that matchup!
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