Week 8 Recap - Halloween Edition

Note: Thank you Brian for stepping in this week and writing the fantasy review!

With the games this week essentially blowouts, the standings not changing, and Halloween just a day away, I thought I’d take it upon myself to find similarities between our teams, our personalities, our tendencies and compare them to those terrorizing Halloween horror villains that have given us all nightmares! Welcome to Week 8 – Halloween Edition.

House Hilton (Matthew aka Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street) – Much like Freddy Krueger, there is no escape from Matthew’s slaughter. We all have to sleep and when we do, that’s exactly when Matthew, I mean Freddy, comes out to play. This isn’t saying that we have rolled over and gone to sleep week after week, as Matthew has the third highest points against so far, just that we under estimate this ‘family man’ who on occasion loves to insert a witty remark while his carnage ensues.

Ochocinco Reborn (Doug aka Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13^th) – With 32 roster moves, the most in the league, Doug isn’t particular when it comes to his weapons. Running through players with little regard seems scarily similar to Jason’s armament using knives, axes, machetes, meat cleavers, spear guns, bows and arrows, pitchforks, fireplace pokers, hacksaws, broken bottles, sauna rocks, his bare hands, and of course a twice knocked characters’ heads off with a single punch. So just like Jason, Doug has the highest body count. We can only wish that Doug would wear a hockey mask to cover up his deformities too.

Rolls Royce Freeman (Bowlsby aka Pinhead from Hellraiser) – Articulate and intelligent, this is merely a veneer for both Bowlsby and Pinhead. Underneath lies a complete contempt for humankind. They both have traveled to Earth to harvest souls and grow their respective armies. While this comparison has nothing to do with Bowlsby’s fantasy team, it is hard to deny these similarities…they are evil incarnate.

Flip Flopkins (Kelly aka Pennywise from IT) – The primary goal here is to feed on the easily scared and easily manipulated. Both use tricks and toys to entice the weak into accomplishing his own end goal. As is the case of the much-disputed waiver pickup of the 2017/18 season where Pennywise, I mean Kelly, lured the weak-minded Douglas into revealing his next pickup only to swoop in and acquire that waiver just before Doug could get his hands on him. Kelly will forever consume the fear that lies in all of us of revealing that confidential information.

I Touchdown There (Nick aka Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) – Nick comes across as an even keeled man, but just like Leatherface, he has an unbridled rage lying beneath. Each season he uses his one weapon of complete disregard for his competitors to gruesomely butcher any small hope they might have. There is no reasoning and no logic, but much like the gasoline that fuels the chainsaw, it is that hidden rage within that fuels his championship pursuit.

SuckMyHawk (Kyle aka Samara from The Ring) – Quiet and left for dead in a deep, dark hole, one has to see the comparison between Kyle and Samara. Rarely talking, much like rarely updating his roster to fill a starting lineup, Kyle waits patiently for his chance to strike. No one worries about him until they see him on their screen and then it becomes the scariest week of their fantasy season, “I better not lose to this 8-year-old girl crawling out of the monitor.”

Hold Ma Dick (Brian aka Chucky from Child’s Play) – Small in stature and seemingly pretty easy to defeat, he sometimes gets the drop on his victims. This is due to the fact that because of his size and the fact that he is a doll, people overlook his ability to hide in every nook and cranny. When gone unnoticed, his ruthless tendencies victimize those who deem him not worthy.

The Injury Report (Alex aka The Gingerbread Man from The Gingerdead Man) – Who? Exactly. This is just an adorable cookie masquerading as a serial killer. Alex is a gorgeous man pretending to be part of a fantasy sports league. It gets even more ridiculous when a 6-inch-tall baked good finds a way to drive a full-size car. Dunk him in a glass of milk and end this killing spree. Sorry Alex, you are absolutely delicious, but this season is laughable.